


kintsugi

by TasteOfHoney



Category: RWBY
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Emotional Sex, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Mild Smut, One Shot, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Volume 6 (RWBY), and of course it goes without saying that the dub-con wasn't between blake and yang, anyway let blake work through her trauma and be happy and healthy 2k19, at least it could well be, but it's very briefly mentioned if that's something that bothers you, i don't think it's serious enough to warrant a warning, it's what she deserves, let me know if you think i should add the warning anyway, there's a reason bastard goatman is tagged, we don't know enough about blake and adam's relationship to say for sure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 00:51:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21152867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TasteOfHoney/pseuds/TasteOfHoney
Summary: She’s been getting better at realising when the voice in her thoughts is Adam—when she’s unconsciously remembering words that he ingrained into her rather than her own—but that doesn’t always make it easier not to listen. Yang is so kind, so patient, so gentle. Blake can’t ever quite shake the thought that it’s all far more than she deserves.





	kintsugi

**Author's Note:**

> so this is kinda different to any of my previous fics and it needs a few notes lol.
> 
> personally i think it's pretty likely that blake and adam had sex at some point, much as i wanna throw up just thinking about it, tho obviously we'll never know for certain and part of me will always hope that it never happened. but i don't see a lot of fics really dealing with the lingering trauma blake would probably have from that relationship and showing her dealing with it in order to move on. so basically i just wanted to explore blake deconstructing the unhealthy mindset she developed due to adam's abuse and figuring out how to let herself be happy with yang.
> 
> the description of her and adam's relationship is pretty short (not even a flashback, just dialogue) and not at all romanticised in any way. it's not so much non-con but it def counts as dub-con bc the whole relationship was toxic as hell and emotionally manipulative so any consent blake gave wouldn't have been valid anyway. i did my best not to dwell on anything but i totally get if it's something you'd rather not read about. tho i did pack in plenty of fluffy bees too to make up for it so there's that XD
> 
> anyway let me know if i handled anything wrong and hope y'all enjoy!!

To say that Blake is frustrated would be putting it mildly.

Yang’s hands have wandered under her shirt in search of bare skin, soft kisses are being trailed along her jawline, her partner’s breath is hot against her neck, and she shifts to catch Yang’s mouth tenderly with her own instead, hoping to calm the mood a little bit before things can spiral out of control. But then her hips press forward of their own volition, trying to create the friction she craves, and she lets out an agitated sigh.

Blake knows she’s doomed when Yang takes the movement as encouragement, sliding a hand down towards her waistband, and she freezes. Yang must sense the sudden shift in atmosphere, because she pulls her hand away instantly, and Blake reluctantly breaks the kiss to make eye contact.

“I’m sorry,” she says, guilt beginning to settle like lead in the pit of her stomach. “I’m just— I can’t—”

“No, I’m sorry,” Yang says, sparing Blake from trying to finish her jumbled explanation. “I— I shouldn’t have pushed.”

“You weren’t pushing,” Blake hurries to reassure her, because only someone as selfless as her partner would think that simply wanting something was the same as being pushy. “I’m just— I’m not ready yet.”

It’s a truthful answer, but she wishes she could tell Yang _why_ she’s not ready yet— why she sometimes wonders if she ever will be ready. It’s obvious what her partner wants, and Blake wants it too, but it isn’t that simple.

_Of course it isn’t_. _You always have to make things more complicated than they need to be._

She’s been getting better at realising when the voice in her thoughts is Adam—when she’s unconsciously remembering words that he ingrained into her rather than her own—but that doesn’t always make it easier not to listen. Yang is so kind, so patient, so gentle. Blake can’t ever quite shake the thought that it’s all far more than she deserves.

“Baby, that’s fine,” Yang tells her, nothing but sincerity in her voice, and the shame in Blake’s chest coils tighter still. “I can wait as long as you need. Hell, we never have to do it if you don’t want to.”

Blake nods, blinking away the tears that threaten to form, and they end up cuddling instead. But as it turns out, not doing it is harder than either of them expected, and over the next few weeks she loses count of how many times she ends up in Yang’s lap, kissing her desperately like she’s the air she needs to breathe— how many times her partner’s hands remain stubbornly on the wrong side of her clothes, shaking with restless energy and the effort of restraining herself.

Every single time Blake wants more than anything to give in, but then something will cut through the desire clouding her mind, reminding her of all the reasons why she didn’t say yes in the first place. A moan that’s pulled from her throat will take her back to the first and last person she was with this way, or she’ll make the mistake of closing her eyes and find that suddenly it’s someone else’s hands touching her— someone else’s lips against her own.

Every single time she thinks it’s safe, something will force her thoughts back to him— something will make her his again, just long enough to keep her from having any peace.

She can tell that Yang is frustrated too—can feel the heat radiating from her partner’s skin every time Blake makes them pull apart, panting and breathless—and it only makes her feel worse. She knows she needs to be honest, but how does she tell Yang that the reason she can’t bring herself to take this final step is because she let a monster seduce her with a charming mask and false promises?

How can she admit that she once gave herself body and soul to the man who took Yang’s arm—who made their lives a waking nightmare—and expect that Yang will still want her afterwards? She hates Adam for everything he stole from her, but she hates herself too. She allowed herself to be tainted by him, and there’s no way Yang could still love her if she knew what Blake had let him do to her. The things she willingly submitted to because she thought she wanted them— thought she wanted _him_.

_You _did_ want him. You wanted him, you loved him, and you murdered him. It’s a miracle she’s stayed with you this long even when you’re soaked in his blood. But she probably just feels sorry for you._

This time she manages to ignore the voice. She _knows_ it isn’t true. Yang is far too good-hearted to ever indulge her out of pity, and Adam left her no choice. Yang would never blame her for protecting herself. She can’t help but wonder, if her partner has gone through so much for her—because of her—already, maybe Yang would still be there even if Blake told her everything.

Maybe she’s just being a coward like usual, avoiding giving Yang the whole truth for fear of losing one of the only good things she has— losing the security of Yang’s arms around her when she goes to sleep or the comfort of being able to take her partner’s hand when Atlesians shoot them disgusted looks in the street. But she’s been brave before, when she faced the demon who was created just for her and lived to share the tale with one person and one person alone, so perhaps she just needs to find that courage again.

She waits until they’re curled up next to each other in bed, the dim lighting in the room making it easier to face the idea of reliving some of her worst memories, and she reaches for Yang’s hand, lacing their fingers together as an anchor. Her partner seems to sense the weight of emotion in the air, because she strokes her thumb idly across Blake’s knuckles in a soothing gesture.

“I’m going to tell you something,” Blake says. “If you want to hear it.”

“Always, baby.” The answer comes instantly, and Blake swallows thickly against the lump in her throat.

“Please, just— just let me finish before you say anything.” Yang nods in agreement, and Blake tries to figure out where to start. “I’ve told you a little about my relationship with Adam. I’m sure you’ve realised by now that he and I— we were close. But in case it wasn’t clear, he was m-my partner. In every sense of the word. He seemed so perfect to begin with, strong and driven and kind.”

Yang is watching her intently, her features expressionless, and Blake shifts a little closer, needing a tangible tether to the present. Relief washes over her when her partner’s arm curls around her waist, solid and warm, and she continues. “I was intoxicated by him, or by everything he pretended to be. I was too caught up in how I felt about him to realise when things started to go wrong. He’d get angry over the smallest things, make me feel guilty for disagreeing with him even when it wasn’t about something important, question my abilities until I didn’t think I was capable of handling things without him. I was sure that I needed him—that I _wanted_ him—and it made me blind.”

She feels Yang grip her hand a little more tightly, and she squeezes back, grateful for the reminder of her partner’s presence. She takes a deep breath, and forces herself to finish even though it feels like her heart is trapped in a vice inside her chest. “Eventually we— we had sex. He was in a mood—I don’t remember why—and I wanted to calm him down, so I— I offered myself up to him. It worked. He was n-nicer for a day or two after that.”

Yang’s face is slowly becoming a mask of horror, and Blake closes her eyes so that she doesn’t have to see it, clinging to her partner’s hand so tight that her knuckles go white. “It wasn’t _good_, but it didn’t hurt too much, and it was better than the alternative, so I let it happen a few more times. When something went wrong on a mission, or when Sienna questioned his methods— those days I couldn’t do anything right in his eyes, but I could do that. And it was w-worth it so he wouldn’t bring up my parents or remind me what a c-coward I was.”

She trails off as talking becomes too difficult, but she’s said everything she needed to say anyway. She doesn’t dare open her eyes, too frightened of what she might see, and for a long moment there’s silence. It seems to last forever, but in the end Yang breaks.

“Look at me, baby.” Her partner’s voice is thick with tears, and Blake feels like something inside her has snapped— like a spring that was wound so painfully tight has finally unravelled. “_Please._” She can’t resist the urgent plea in Yang’s tone, and she lets her eyes open at last.

There’s no disgust on her partner’s face—no blame—just an immense sadness that Blake knows is on her behalf. She wants nothing more than to close the distance and feel Yang’s arms around her properly, holding her close, but she needs to be sure that it would still be welcome.

“Can I—”

Yang opens her arms without even a second of hesitation, an invitation that Blake is never going to refuse. “Of course.”

Blake scoots forward until there’s as little space between them as physically possible, and she buries her face in Yang’s neck, soaking in the warmth of her embrace and the scent that she’s beginning to think of as home. “Is this okay?” The question is mumbled into her hair, and Blake just wraps her own arms around Yang in response, nuzzling even more firmly against her partner.

“I’m so sorry that you went through that, but I’m so glad you told me. Blake, you are so brave."

Yang doesn’t say anything when Blake’s tears dampen her skin, but she doesn’t need to. Instead she rubs slow circles against Blake’s back and lets her cry until she finally feels clean again.

* * *

It’s several days before things are completely back to normal between them, but with everything out in the open it doesn’t take long after that for Blake to find herself straddling Yang on the sofa, savouring every slow, deep kiss as they melt into each other. This time when Yang’s hands slip under the hem of her shirt she doesn’t tense or freeze, only pulling away to catch her breath before guiding her partner’s mouth back to her own.

“Are you sure about this?” Yang murmurs against her lips, and Blake has to break the kiss because a smile that she can’t suppress is spreading across her face.

She nudges Yang’s nose gently with her own instead, drawing a giggle from her partner. “More than sure.”

The journey to the bedroom is more difficult than it should be—Yang’s hands keep wandering in ways that make it hard to concentrate on where they’re going and Blake is too busy leaving a trail of marks along the column of Yang’s throat to fix that problem—but eventually they manage to make it through the door and shed their clothes. They fall onto the bed in a tangle of limbs and Blake laughs as they try and readjust into a more comfortable position.

Time seems to slow down, a sense of stillness replacing the rush of movement, and Blake expects to feel at least a little nervous as she looks up into Yang’s eyes, but all she can think about is how pretty the lilac of her partner’s irises is. Yang does seem nervous, though, unsure of what to do next, so Blake curls a hand behind the back of her neck and draws her in, keeping the kiss warm and chaste and simple while they find their rhythm again.

“What do you want?” Yang asks when they pull apart, and Blake feels utterly caught off guard. She’s at a loss for how to answer that question, not because she doesn’t know the answer, but because she can’t remember the last time anyone ever asked it.

She’s being given the chance to take control in a way she’s never had before, though, and she isn’t going to let it pass her by. “I want to know what that mouth is good for besides talking.”

She even surprises herself with how low and intense her voice comes out, and Yang’s eyes widen ever so slightly, tinting a deeper shade of purple as the words sink in. She leans down to leave one last kiss on Blake’s lips, and then she takes her time working her way down her body, stopping occasionally to brush her lips tenderly over a freckle or a scar and hesitating even longer as she presses a lingering kiss to the mark left by Adam’s sword.

Sensing that Yang is about to ask if she’s okay again, Blake spreads her legs in encouragement, letting her fingers tangle in her partner’s hair, and Yang looks up to make eye contact as she slowly leaves kisses up Blake’s inner thigh towards where she’s really needed. After several moments of teasing Blake tightens her grip slightly, not forcing but guiding Yang where she wants her, and her head falls back against the mattress as her partner finally puts her mouth to work.

She closes her eyes against the all-consuming heat of it, curling her fingers more firmly in Yang’s hair to make sure she doesn’t stop. Her partner doesn’t tease any more— instead she figures out what Blake likes and takes full advantage of it, finding every perfect spot as she falls into a steady rhythm. It’s almost embarrassing how quickly Blake’s gasping with pleasure, so close to the edge already, but she doesn’t care. Not when it feels so damned _good_.

She can’t help holding back, though, afraid of what letting go will mean. She lets one of her hands grip the sheets, fisting the fabric so tightly that she’s sure it might tear any second, but then Yang’s hand comes to rest over her own, and Blake interlaces their fingers, letting the sensation tether her as she lets herself find release at last. Her back arches off the bed, her whole body tenses, and she’s fairly sure that she sees a whole spectrum of colours explode behind her eyelids.

Her heart is still pounding when she sinks back into the mattress, her breath coming hard and fast as the aftershocks wash over her, and her vision is spotty when she opens her eyes to stare up at the ceiling. She blinks a few times to clear it, and then she looks down to where Yang’s watching her with a grin that’s far too smug. Blake tugs on her hand and Yang moves back up to press their foreheads together, her expression softening completely in the span of just a couple of seconds.

“I love you,” Blake tells her, and it’s not the first time she’s said it but Yang’s cheeks still flush with pink.

“I love you too,” Yang says, soft and awestruck, and Blake kisses her gently.

Once she can feel her legs again, she makes her move, hooking her legs around Yang’s waist and rolling them over in one smooth motion. For a beat she simply hovers over her, enjoying the look of shock giving way to longing on Yang’s features and just admiring how beautiful her partner looks spread out underneath her, gazing up at her with total trust. Then she lets the corners of her mouth curl up into a smirk.

“Is it my turn now?” she asks as innocently as possible, and when Yang swallows hard before nodding furiously Blake knows she’s going to enjoy this.

* * *

A shiver runs down Blake’s spine that has nothing to do with the sweat cooling on her skin, and she leans back into Yang’s touch, delighting in the feeling of her partner tracing absent-minded patterns on the canvas of her back. They’ve been lying face to face for what feels like an eternity, just basking in each other’s presence and sometimes meeting halfway for soft kisses that serve as a wordless reminder of what they just shared.

Blake reaches for Yang’s other hand, lifting it to press her lips to her partner’s knuckles in the most affectionate gesture she can think of. The afterglow still hasn’t worn off yet, and she has to try and stop herself from remembering how good those same fingers felt inside of her— how good they felt when she rode them. Of course she doesn’t succeed, but she’s used up all of her energy already—they both have—and so she just weaves their fingers together again, idly playing with Yang’s hand as moonlight from the window reflects off the metal of her partner’s arm.

“Was it good?” she asks, struck by a sudden need to know the answer. She might not have got to have an introduction to this that she wants to remember, but Yang deserves to hold only good memories of what it can feel like to be so intimately connected with someone.

“Baby, I didn’t know _anything_ could feel that good,” Yang says, sounding almost amused, but Blake can tell she’s telling the truth.

“I didn’t know it could feel like that either,” she admits, but it doesn't stir any of the negative emotions that thinking about it used to bring to the surface. Every experience she’s ever had has made her who she is today, and she can’t change—or erase—any of it. The past will always matter regardless of what she does, but it doesn’t have to define her— _he_ doesn’t have to define her.

Adam was right about one thing, though. She’s made her choice.

**Author's Note:**

> this is what happens when you write a story about sex that doesn't actually focus on the sex lmao. drop a comment if you want cause they make my day and i'll see you wonderful people next time :)


End file.
